Disability Dos and Don’ts: An Etiquette Primer

Oftentimes I find that abled people are uncomfortable and don’t know how to act around disabled folks. Or worse, they assume they know how to act and then go on ahead and insert their foot firmly into their mouths. Here are some common blunders and some alternatives.

Don’t: Ask us “what happened?”

This one seems like a no-brainer, but just about every time I’m out with my wheelchair, someone has to ask. In my case, the answer is extremely traumatic. In others’ cases, they’ve been living with their disabilities their whole lives (and are very sick of this question). Either way, it’s incredibly rude to ask someone about their private medical history. If you wouldn’t do it to someone about their IBS, don’t do it to someone about their spinal trauma. And if you would do it to someone with IBS, ask yourself why you think you’re entitled to that information.

Do: Speak with us as you would anybody else

This isn’t a “I don’t see disability” suggestion. I’m not implying that there is nothing different about me, and pretending otherwise would be insulting to me, the community, and the intelligence of the person interacting with me. However, my disability does not change the fact that I am a human being, worthy of respect and conversation.

Don’t: Speak with our friends, family, or caregivers when you should be addressing us

I was out with my (seemingly able-bodied; this is important) friend pre-pandemic at a restaurant. A server was taking our orders and she looked at Friend and asked, “What will she be having?” I cleared my throat and told her what I wanted, and she swiveled back to Friend and asked, “Will she want soup or salad with that?”

This is dehumanizing.

Do: Offer help if you see us struggling

It is not only okay, it is the kind thing to do to offer help to someone (anyone!) who is genuinely struggling. I have difficulties with doors without automatic openers when I’m using my chair. Grabbing that for me is a help!

Don’t: Assume we need help by virtue of being disabled

A friend uses the red and white cane to navigate outdoors. She was waiting for the crosswalk and a man abruptly grabbed her arm and announced he would help her across the street. She had it perfectly fine, and was understandably perturbed about being manhandled by a stranger. Which brings me to my next point:

Don’t: Insist on giving “help” when it isn’t welcome

You can (and should) ask before giving help. If a disabled person turns you down, move on. Sometimes, we want to open our own doors, even if it’s hard. And most often, we do not want to be touched by random individuals. Which brings me to yet another corollary:

DO NOT: Touch anyone’s medical equipment without asking or being asked

Oxygen tanks, wheelchairs, service dogs, rollators, crutches, ostomy bags, ad infinitum — these are all considered parts of our bodies. And when you grab them without being asked, you not only risk damaging expensive equipment, you are, in fact, assaulting us as surely as you would be if you yanked on an abled person’s arm.

I am an ambulatory wheelchair user, meaning I can get up and reach for things if I need to. I was working in a library when I came back to my chair and found someone sitting in it. Don’t do this. My chair is specially made for my proportions, so someone else sitting it could damage the chair, and it is incredibly personal. I consider it the same as sitting in someone’s lap. Also, have had someone (a complete stranger!) sit in my lap like I was a piece of furniture. Supremely uncomfortable.

Do: Listen and validate

If your disabled friend vents to you about their disability or the many, many trappings of ableist society, that means that they trust you with that information. I am no less proud of my disabled culture and self when I speak to my friends about the vagaries of the healthcare system or what nuisance my body has decided to spring on me today. Believing me, hearing me, and affirming me costs zero dollars. Just as you would with a friend about a breakup or school or work, you’re speaking with me about a fact of my life.

Don’t: Ask “have you tried xyz?”

Believe me. If it helped, we’d do it. This goes for yoga, essential oils, physical therapy, specialized diets, medications, and kale.

Caveat: If a person is mystified and explicitly looking for help, then you can suggest things. It’s all about consent, or knowing that you’re at a point in your relationship where such advice is welcome. Even then, it’s better to ask: “are you looking for advice or are we venting?”

Don’t: Ask to pray for us

I get it. People’s spirituality is important to them. They should not assume it is important to everybody, and they should definitely not assume that disabled people are necessarily seeking healing from any particular divine entity.

I was headed to the post office with my forearm crutches and a lady fretted over me, asking if she could pray for me. I told her politely “thank you, but no”, and she was patently offended and began loudly praying anyway, spouting lines about making “lame beggars walk”. I was walking. I was walking to the post office. I just wanted to mail the letter.

Do not interrupt people in their daily lives because you feel moved to pray over them…because they exist differently than you do.

Do: Get involved with organizations by and for disabled people

This is where the positive change happens. Did you know that disabled people do not have marriage equality? Did you know immunocompromised people need healthy people to get vaccinated too — and that people can make public comments to that effect to the CDC itself? There are a host of issues facing disabled people. Pick one, find the organization working towards equity, and support them, financially, with your time, with your voices.

Be wary of organizations by abled people for disabled people. Too often these are focused on “cures”, paying lip service to caregiver support, and networking rather than elevating disabled people.

Do: Consume media by disabled people

There are many wonderful resources out there, and in my former library life, I’d have given you a complete booklist. My energy is sorely limited these days, and writing is about all I have the oomph for. Off the top of my head:

Disability Visibility, ed. by Alice Wong. There’s even a version adapted for young people.

Care Work: Dreaming Disability Justice by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samaransinha. Intersectional and thoughtful.

Being Heumann: An Unrepentant Memoir of a Disability Rights Activist by Judy Heumann. Heumann was essentially the mother of the disability justice movement, and her loss is felt every day. Check out Rolling Warrior for younger kids.

Crip Camp: A Disability Revolution. The full Oscar-nominated film by Jim LeBrecht and produced by the Obamas about the birth of the disability rights movement. Some strong language and sexual content.

There are so many more; please check out your local library for resources. Learning about the history of disability culture, finding how it intersects with other movements, and how disability impacts people and society will only help facilitate understanding and comfort with the topics.