How to Help Out A Bedbound or Housebound Loved One
Sometimes, illnesses and injuries leave a friend stuck in bed or at home for an amount of time. That time might be short, it might be sporadically on and off, or it might be for a long time. No matter what, it’s isolating, frustrating, and tiring. Yes, being in bed all the time is tiring.
Don’t Call It a Vacation
No matter what is going on in your life, how badly you’re burning out, your friend being stuck at home is not comparable. “Must be nice to get a break!” NO.
Let me give you a picture of my day. I get up at eleven or twelve. Not because I was up late last night — sometimes I’m in bed by nine thirty. Usually asleep by eleven. Imagine only having 9 1/2 hours to your day — not by choice, but because your body demands it.
Sometimes I eat breakfast. Sometimes nausea makes me skip it. Occasionally, I can manage a shower with help. I take care of the animals, because no matter what shape I’m in, they’re relying on me. I handle any administrative tasks, like calling doctors or appointments. Lunch — skipped, most likely. Maybe I can do a snack with the items my husband leaves in my cart. (I’ll get back to the cart.) I work on writing and writing related tasks from my couch. If I’m recording, I stick to my desk upstairs.
My husband gets home and we do dinner. If I can help with that, I do. This is my most complete meal of the day. We hang out and do one thing — maybe Dungeons and Dragons, or a board game, both adapted to my lying down position on the couch, or a movie. Then it’s bed. Then I get up and do it all again the next day.
It’s draining, having every day be roughly the same. Occasionally I’ll manage an errand out. Occasionally I’ll see someone outside, go to the doctor, get a haircut, etc. But mostly, day in and day out, it’s me and the couch.
When I was working outside the home, that would’ve sounded GREAT to me. But do that two, seven, fourteen, fifty eight times. Do that while feeling like you’ve got the flu every single day, do it while in large amounts of pain, do it with severe anxiety that the world is leaving you behind. Yeah. Not so fun. And my day is less restrictive than others’.
Help Them Assemble a Chronic Illness Cart
What the heck is this? It’s literally a cart I keep by my couch or bedside that has snacks, entertainment activities, my devices, my meds, water, and anything I might need for that day. I’m not terribly mobile, so this was my husband’s brilliant work.
We bought this cart at IKEA years ago and it’s had many uses, but right now it looks like this: top shelf with cover for meds and items I’m using right now, middle shelf for supplies or entertainment.
That bottom shelf usually has snacks in it, btw. It’s just low right now because someone needs to go grocery shopping (it’s us) and two chronically ill people are not really great at doing that consistently. (More in a minute.)
Your cart doesn’t have to be a cart: it could be a bedside caddy, a cardboard box, a nightstand. But helping assemble all those necessities in an easy to reach location is great.
Offer to Run Errands
Seriously. I know, you’re busy, but while you’re out at the store, offer to pick up some snacks for that cart. I’m not saying do this for free; though if you’re inclined, that’s sweet. Ask if there’s anything that you can pick up and have done. Laundry, for instance, or pet food or pharmacy pickups. A lot of us rely heavily on delivery, which can have steep prices. It is a lifesaver to be able to Venmo a relative or friend the shelf price of something over having to pay the premiums of delivery. Speaking of…
Looking for a Present? Delivery Subscriptions are PHENOMENAL
If your friend’s birthday is coming up and you’re looking for a way to help out, consider something like meal delivery services, the dreaded Amazon (which I will write about someday, but not today) Prime, or even just those lovely subscription boxes where you get mailed something fun like cosmetics or dice or pet toys every month. It’s a help and a joy. Just be sure to ask what your loved one needs before springing to action. HelloFresh, for example, might be great for someone who’s housebound but can still cook, but not useful for someone who needs something ready made.
Gifts are Precious
It is EXPENSIVE to be disabled. Not only do I not get to work traditionally, my meds and medical equipment add up, and then there’s the “crip tax” — money that you pay to make things accessible, like those delivery premiums. I’d say I can’t remember the last thing I bought for myself to use for myself rather than the gaping maw of my bodily needs, but I remember it acutely because it happens rarely: it was a stuffed chicken.
All this to say — gifts are so appreciated. Anything, as small as a pencil for drawing, to grocery delivery, to a homecooked meal. No one is obligated to give anything, but I guarantee your loved one’s heart will sing. It’s hard to come by stuff from The Outside.
The Best Gift? Your Time.
Money is tight, or you can’t spend, or you do gift, but you want something more substantial to do. The best thing you can do is come by and spend time with your loved one. I’m a huge proponent of tabletop roleplaying games, as these can often be done completely theater of the mind, allowing a loved one with limited mobility or energy to participate from their bed. Board games can be played on a bedtop table. Your friend doesn’t even have energy (or is too cool) for those? Haul in the TV for some streaming or pull it up on your laptop. At least sit on your phones together and share memes. It’s all meaningful. It’s all helpful. And it’s all…exceedingly rare.
Society is really bad at disease and injury. We hide it, and we deride those who “complain” (speak out) about their circumstances. We pretend it can’t be us. Or sometimes we get really busy and wrapped up in our own stuff. That’s fair. But sparing a thought for your loved ones who can’t leave is priceless.
There are so many other ways to help someone who cannot leave their house, but these are just a few. I should get back to the novel I’m neglecting, but before I go, thanks for wanting to uplift your chronically ill and injured friend. It’s refreshing.